she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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