yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
