I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
