Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
