I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
