I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
