Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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