She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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