I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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