Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
