dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
