I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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