How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Randomize
