Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
