I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
