yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
