you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
