Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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