yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
