Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
