Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
