There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
