Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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