My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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