I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
