it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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