Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
