all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Two words: blizzard sex
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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