i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
