if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
