Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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