my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
it's like heaven, but drunker
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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