At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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