I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
