Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
