my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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