I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
