Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Drunk is not a location!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
