All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your penis caused this!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
