Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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