Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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