I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
