I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
