my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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