Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize