Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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