Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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