I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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