I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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