Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
