I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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