I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
