So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize