I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize