hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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