I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
