to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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