I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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