Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
