Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
