I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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