I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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