we have officially lost it.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
